MENLO PARK, Calif. (TAC) -- Facebook today announced that it had signed up its one billionth user.
Facebook made the announcement by placing an ad on a Facebook page. Only kidding, nobody's that stupid. They created a new spot which you can see below.
The spot explains that Facebook is very much like a chair. It is like a chair because people sit on it. Although there are not many people who sit on Facebook, some people do.
A person known to this reporter tried sitting on Facebook but the screen got all moist and greasy. Next time he'll try it with pants on.
A Facebook spokesman explained the meaning of the spot. "As you know, everyone at Facebook is now a millionaire or a billionaire. If there's one thing that millionaires and billionaires really hate it is being thought of as rich, selfish, materialistic 1%er bastards. So we commissioned a film that made it seem like we really care about people and the planet and the universe and everything else. We think this film does a good job of this and we are really feeling good about ourselves. The rest of the world may think this is a preposterous wank job, but we don't care because it gives us the chills. Plus, it has a shot of Earth from space which no one has ever seen before in a pitch video. Okay, maybe once or twice."
"We are also hoping that this will make people think that maybe that creepy Zuckerberg kid isn't such a douchebag."
Facebook identified the 1 billionth user as a guy named Fred. Fred had this to say. "I was standing in my kitchen waiting for the coffeemaker to beep, when I noticed there was a chair. The chair reminded me that I am human, and if there is one thing us humans like to do it's connect. So I decided that I would go next door to Shelly's apartment and see if I could connect with her, if you get my drift. But then my wife woke up and I had to pretend I was looking for the newspaper. Then I was sitting on the chair and I saw this vision of the planet and the universe and I remembered that we are not alone so I went to Facebook and signed up for my own page and then I saw an ad for lowering my electric bill."
Facebook said that it's Global Chief Data Misrepresenter had examined Fred's activity while on the site and had determined that Fred came very close to being the first person ever to click on a Facebook ad.
Fred said he was very excited about being the one billionth Facebook user. How did he find out? "My cousin tweeted it."