In honor of April Fool's Day... just once I'd like to turn on a press conference and hear this:
I'm not apologizing to anyone for anything.
You don't like what I do? Tough shit.
I'm not apologizing to my fans. I didn't murder anyone. I didn't steal anything. I didn't commit any crimes. I screwed a few willing women. So what? No animals were injured. The majority of men and women do exactly what I did. FDR did. JFK did. Clinton did. I'm not molesting little boys like our "spiritual leaders." I didn't ruin any lives like the sleaze bags on Wall Street. I didn't sit back and scratch my ass while our financial system went down the toilet like the incompetent morons in Washington.
To my male fans -- if you were in my shoes you be screwing 5 times more women than I did. And if you deny it you're a liar.
To my female fans -- I'm accepting applications.
I'm not apologizing to my sponsors. I've seen you guys after hours at your golf tournaments. I've seen you in Las Vegas at your "conferences." Don't try and pull your holier-than-thou bullshit on me. You paid me millions to put a happy face on your crappy corporation. As soon as I had some trouble you ran away like frightened school girls. Fuck you.
I'm not apologizing to the press -- you sleaze-mongering horde of jackals. Look at the crap you put out every day. And you have the nerve to criticize me?
Here's the thing. As long as I don't break any laws, my private life is none of your damn business. I'll do what I want, when I want. And if you don't like it, you can kiss my ass.
Ah, what a refreshing thing it would be...